SO THAT'S WHAT HE'S FOR

A 1st grade T-Ball coach was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog.

The children fell to discussing the dog's duties.

"They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster.

"No," said another, "he's just for good luck."

A third child brought the argument to a close. "They use the dogs," he said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant."

ONLY IN AMERICA!
 
Only in America can a homeless combat veteran live in a
      cardboard box and draft dodger live in the White House.
 Only in America...can a pizza get to your house faster than
      an ambulance..
 Only in America...are there handicap parking places in front
      of a skating rink...
 Only in America...do drugstores make the sick walk all the way
      to the back of the store to get their prescriptions.
 Only in America...do people order double cheese burgers,
      a large fry, and diet coke...
 Only in America...do banks leave both doors open and then
      chain the pens to the counters...
 Only in America...do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in
      the driveway and leave useless junk in the garage...
 Only in America...do we use answering machines to screen calls
      and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from
      someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place...
 Only in America...do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns
      in packages of eight...
 Only in America...do we use the word "politics" to describe the
      process so well: "Poli" in Latin meaning "many" and
      "tics" meaning "bloodsucking creatures"...
 Only in America do they have drive-up ATM machines
      with Braille lettering!

SOME TIME-HONORED TRUTHS

Don't sweat the petty things, and don't pet the sweaty things.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

The older you get, the better you realize you were.

Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.

Women like silent men, they think they're listening.

Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

A fool and his money are soon partying.

TOP 10 SIGNS YOU WORK IN THE 90S

10. Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not have
email addresses;

9. You consider 2nd day Air Delivery and Inner-office Mail painfully slow;

8. Your idea of being organized is multiple colored post-it notes;

7. You get all excited when it's Saturday so you can wear sweats to work;

6. You refer to the tomatoes grown in your garden as deliverables;

5. You find you really need PowerPoint to explain what you do for a living;

4. You normally eat out of vending machines and at the most expensive restaurant in town within the same week;

3. You think that "progressing an action plan" and "calendarizing a project" are acceptable English phrases;

2. You ask your spouse to "think outside the box" when making Friday night
plans;

And, the number one sign you work in the nineties:

1. You think a "half-day" means leaving at 5 o'clock.

A LOCAL GOVERNMENT MANAGER'S GLOSSARY OF COMPUTER TERMS:

Bytes of Memory: Best selling autobiography of the town dogcatcher.
Cursor: An irate resident receiveing a utility bill after a big rate hike.
Down Time: Period when the Manager curls up with a goose feather comforter.
Interface: When a coucilmember hit the manager with a pie.
Longging on: Quitting your job as a manager and becoming a lumberjack.
Real Time: Period whent the manager goes fishing.
Semiconductor: An amateur maestro.
Solid state: To a Democrat it's Massachusetts. To a Republican it's Nevada.
Terminal: The manager's tenure after he recommends a tax increase (or fires the police chief).

THE CITY MANAGER MEETS SAINT PETER

A man stood at the pearly gate
His face was worn and old
He meekly asked the man of fate
For admission to the fold

What have you done, Saint Peter asked
To seek admission here
I was a city manager down on earth
For many a weary year

The gate swung open sharply
As Saint Peter tolled the bell
Come in, he said, and take a harp
You have already been to hell!

GOOD NEWS - BAD NEWS

The Lord spoke to Moses: "I have some good and bad news. The good news includes the Egyptians being convinced to let you go. However, in order to convince the Pharoah, the Egyptians will be plagued with locust, the river will turn to blood, etc. The water will be parted and you will go free. Mana from heaven will sustain you.

Moses said, "That's great that we'll be free. But what is the bad news?" "The bad news," replied the Lord, "is that you are in charge of writing the
environmental impact statement."

MacGregor's Law of Municipal Traffic: "The first driver to see the light turn green is in the second car back."

QUIPS AND QUOTES ABOUT WORK AND THINGS

Men and nations will act rationally when all other possibilities have been exhausted.

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

Councilmember disclaimer: I feel very stongly both ways.

No good deed gos unpunished. (William P. Metropulos)

"An ethical person ought to do more than required and less than allowed." Michael Josephson.
      
Definition--Seniority: That time in life when you know all the answeres and nobody asks you the questions.

"It usually takes me more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech." Mark Twain

"A small town paper reported that a newcomer, who had moved there to escape the traffic and congestion of the city, was run over by the Welcome Wagon."

Following a campaign speech, a young man rushed up to Senator Everett Dirksen and said, "Senator, I would not vote for you if you were St. Peter!" Dirksen eyed the young man for a moment, then said: "Son, if I were St. Peter, you could not vote for me, because you would not be in my district."

The ideal committee consists of six people who don't have the time, and one person who likes to run things his way.

Columbus had the right idea about Federal government: he did not know where he was going, he did not know where he was when he got there, and he did it all on borrowed money.

"Secret: An important fact, known only to high government officials and the enemy." Creighton Campbell

Summit Conference, n. A meeting of the heads of state, for the consideration of matters too important to be bungled by mere ambassadors. Creighton Campbell

"Becoming more bureaucratic is like rearranging the deck chairs on the Titanic."

"The opposite of progress is Congress". Will Rogers

"One useless person is a tragedy; two useless people are a law firm; and three or more useless people are a legislature". Frances E. Winslow

"For one who loves sausage and respects the law, watch neither being made."
 
A councilmember's response to a request for support: "I'm with you through thick and thin. When things start getting thick, I start thinning out." David J. Lindquist

"The cheapest way to have your family tree traced is to run for public office."

"Vote for the politician who promises the least; you will be least disappointed."

"If the morale around this place does not improve, the firings will continue." Andy McCouwn

"When in doubt--mumble. When in trouble--delegate."

"Once in a while you run across a councilmember who regards free speech not as a right, but as a continuous obligation."

When a city manager asked whether he sleeps well at night, he replied, "I sleep like a baby!--I sleep an hour and then cry an hour." John D. Goss

"It's a recession when your neighbor loses his job; it's a depression when you lose yours." Harry Truman.

"The Secretary of Labor is in charge of finding you a job; the Secretary of the Treasury is in charge of taking half the money away from you; and the Attorney General is in charge of suing you for the other half." Lyndon B. Johnson.

"If you have a job without aggravations, you don't have a job." Malcom Forbes.

"There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone to do it for you, or forbid your kids to do it." Monta Crane.

"I don't want any yesmen around me. I want everyone to tell me the truth -- even though it costs him his job." Samuel Goldwyn.

"The longer the job title, the less important the job." George McGovern.

"I will pay more for the ability to deal with people than for any other ability under the sun." John D. Rockefeller.

"The trouble with good ideas is that they quickly degenerate into hard work." Anon.

"The brain is a wonderful organ. It starts working the moment you get up in the morning, and does not stop until you get to the office." Robert Frost.

"He had insomnia so bad he couldn't sleep when he was working." Arthur Baer.

"Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity."


A PRAYER TO CONSIDER

The following prayer was actually said before the Kansas State Legislature. LGI does not necessarily endorse the prayer, but finds it worthy of reflection.

When Pastor Joe Wright was asked to open the new session of the Kansas Senate, everyone was expecting the usual politically correct generalities. But, what they heard instead was a stirring prayer, passionately calling our country to repentance and righteousness. The response was immediate and a number of legislators walked out during the prayer.

In six short weeks, the Central Christian Church had logged more than 5,000 phone calls, with only 47 of those calls responding negatively. Commentator Paul Harvey aired the prayer on the radio and received a larger response to this program than any other program he has ever aired. The Central Christian Church is now receiving international requests for copies of this prayer from India, Africa, and Korea.

Pastor Joe's prayer is reprinted here for each of us to ponder. Although LGI does not necessarily agree with all elements of the prayer, we find it thoughful and worthy of consideration.

"Heavenly Father, we come before you today to ask Your forgiveness and seek Your direction and guidance. We know Your Word says, 'Woe on those who call evil good', but that's exactly what we have done. We have lost our spiritual equilibrium and inverted our values.

We confess that we have ridiculed the absolute truth of Your Word and called it pluralism.

We have worshipped other gods and called it multiculturalism.

We have endorsed perversion and called it an alternative lifestyle.

We have exploited the poor and called it the lottery.

We have neglected the needy and called it self-preservation.

We have rewarded laziness and called it welfare.

We have killed our unborn children and called it choice.

We have shot abortionists and called it justifiable.

We have neglected to discipline our children and called it building self-esteem.

We have abused power and called it political savvy.

We have coveted our neighbor's possessions and called it ambition.

We have polluted our air with profanity and pornography and called it freedom
of expression.

We have ridiculed the time-honored values of our forefathers and called it enlightenment.

Search us, O God, and know our hearts today; cleanse us from every sin and
set us free. Guide and bless these men and women who have been sent to lead this
great state. Grant them the wisdom to rule, and may their decisions direct us
to the center of Your will. I ask it in the name of Your Son, the Living Savior, Jesus Christ, Amen."

Last modified on Friday, January 14, 2000