Wit and Wisdom About Employment

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Employment History

Dumm Pun

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned . . .  couldn't concentrate.

Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.

After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it. Mainly because it was a sew-sew job.

Next I tried working in a muffler factory but that was exhausting.

I wanted to be a barber, but I just couldn't cut it.

Then I tried to be a chef--figured it would add a little spice to my life but I just didn't have the thyme.

Finally, I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.

My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy.

I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patients.

Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried but I just didn't fit in.

I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.

I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.

I got a job at a zoo feeding giraffes but I was fired because I wasn't up to it.

So then I got a job in a gymnasium (work-out-center), but they said I wasn't fit for the job.

Next, I found being an electrician interesting, but the work was shocking.

After many years of trying to find steady work I finally got a job as a historian until I realized there was no future in it.

My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.

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"I don't want any yes-men around me. I want everyone to tell me the truth  -- even if it costs him his job." Samuel Goldwyn.

In describing the jobs of his cabinet, Pres. Lyndon Baynes Johnson once said: "The Secretary of Labor is in charge of finding you a job; the Secretary of the Treasury is in charge of taking away half the money you earn; and the Attorney General is in charge of suing you for the other half."

Interviewing -- the Lowlights:

We've all been interviewed for jobs. And, we've all spent most of those interviews thinking about what not to do. Don't bite your nails. Don't fidget. Don't interrupt. Don't belch. If we did any of the don'ts, we knew we'd disqualify ourselves instantly. But some job applicants go light years beyond this. A survey of recruiters in Fortune 500 corporations asked for real life examples of unusual behavior by job applicants. Here are some of the lowlights:

bullet"Candidate stretched out on the floor to fill out the supplemental job application."
bullet"She wore a Walkman and said she could listen to me and the music at the same time."
bullet"A balding candidate abruptly excused himself. Returned to office a few minutes later, wearing a hairpiece."
bulletCandidate asked to see interviewer's resume to see if the personnel executive was qualified to judge the candidate."
bullet"Candidate announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and french fries in the interviewer's office -wiping the ketchup on her sleeve".
bullet"Candidate stated that, if he were hired, he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm."
bullet" Applicant interrupted interview to phone his therapist for advice on answering specific interview questions."
bullet"When I asked him about his hobbies, he stood up and started tap dancing around my office."
bullet"At the end of the interview, while I stood there dumbstruck, a male applicant went through my purse, took out a brush, brushed his hair, and left."
bullet"Candidate pulled out a Polaroid camera and snapped a flash picture of me. Said he collected photos of everyone who interviewed him."
bullet"Said he wasn't interested because the position paid too much."
bullet"While I was on a long-distance phone call, the applicant took out a copy of Penthouse, and looked through the photos only, stopping longest at the centerfold."
bullet"During the interview, an alarm clock went off from the candidate's brief case. He took it out, shut it off, apologized and said he had to leave for another interview."
bullet"A telephone call came in for the job applicant. It was from his wife. His side of the conversation went like this: "'Which company? When do I start? What's the salary?' I said, 'I assume you're not interested in conducting the interview any further.' He promptly responded, 'I am as long as you'll pay me more.' I didn't hire him, but later found out there was no other job offer. It was a scam to get a higher offer."

His attache [case] opened when he picked it up and the contents spilled, revealing ladies' undergarments and assorted makeup and perfume."
"Candidate said he really didn't want to get a job, but the unemployment office needed proof that he was looking for one."
"Candidate asked who the gorgeous babe was, pointing to the picture on my desk. When I said it was my wife, he asked if she was home now and wanted my phone home number."
"Pointing to a black case he carried into my office, he said that if he was not hired, the bomb would go off. Disbelieving, I began to state why he would never be hired and that I was going to call the police. He then reached down to the case, flipped a switch and ran. No one was injured, but I did need to get a new desk."

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The following out-takes and quotes were reported to have been taken from real resumes and cover letters from various sources:

bullet"Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year."
bullet"Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions."
bullet"Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave."
bullet"It's best for employers that I not work with people."
bullet"Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details."
bullet"I was working for my mom until she decided to move."
bullet"Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No commitments."
bullet"I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse."
bullet"I am loyal to my employer at all costs....Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail."
bullet"I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and absolutely nothing."
bullet"I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant."
bullet"Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store."
bullet"Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have never quit a job."
bullet"Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 am every morning. I couldn't work under those conditions."
bullet"The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers."
bullet"References: none. I've left a path of destruction behind me."

These quotes were taken from actual performance evaluations:


"Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.
"His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity."
"I would not allow this employee to breed."
"This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't be."
"Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."
"When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there."
"He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."
"This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
"He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."
"This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."
"This employee should go far-and the sooner he starts, the better."

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A guy had just been hired as the new city manager of a city. The old city manager who was stepping down met with him privately and presented him with three numbered envelopes. "Open these if you run up against a
problem you don't think you can solve," he said.

Well, things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, local politics took a downturn and he was really catching a lot of heat. About at his wit's end, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer and took out the first envelope. The message read, "Blame your predecessor."

The new city manager called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at the feet of the previous manager. Satisfied with his comments, the press and the public -- responded positively, things began to quiet down. Soon, the problem was behind him.

About a year later, the city was experiencing a significant slight dip in revenues, combined with serious service delivery problems. Having learned from his previous experience, the city manager quickly opened the second envelope. The message read, "Reorganize." This he did, and the city quickly rebounded.

After a couple of  consecutive good years, the council changed and city once again fell on difficult times. The manager went to his office, closed the door and opened the third envelope.

The message said, "Prepare three envelopes."

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Administratum

Physicists at Orgwell Institute have discovered the heaviest element known to science, named Administratum. The new element has no protons or electrons, and has an atomic number of zero. However, it does have one neutron, eight assistant neutrons, ten executive neutrons, 35 vice neutrons and 258 assistant vice neutrons.

Administratum has an atomic mass of 311=, since the neutron is only detectable half of the time. Its 312 particles are held together by a force which involves the continuous exchange of meson-like particles, called morons.

Since it has no electrons, Administratum is completely inert. Nevertheless, its presence can be detected because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. One experiment, which should have lasted only a few days, is still running after 2= years due to the addition of just one milligramme of Administratum.

It is weakly active, and has a normal half-life of approximately six months. After this time, it does not actually decay, but undergoes a metamorphosis in which assistant neutrons, executive neutrons, vice neutrons and assistant vice neutrons exchange places. This almost invariably leads to an increase in atomic weight, hence it is self-sustaining.

Although it occurs widely, Administratum tends to concentrate around large organizations, research laboratories and government departments. It can especially be found in recently re-organized sites, and there is reason to believe that it is heavily involved in the processes of deforestation and global warming.

It should be remembered that Administratum is known to be toxic at all concentrations, and can easily destroy any productive reactions where it is allowed to accumulate. Numerous attempts have been made to determine how Administratum can be controlled to prevent irreversible damage, but results to date are not promising.

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